This is one of those posts that started out being about one thing, and ended up being about something completely different. I was going to answer a firefighting question that is frequently posed to me, your friendly neighborhood Firefighter In Training/Siren Sex Goddess. I was going to preface it with a very, very brief blurb about why I've been rather silent lately - then I started sobbing, and decided that perhaps the very, very brief blurb should be our topic du jour. Blogging is free, therapy is not.
If you haven't noticed that I haven't been "producing" much the past few weeks, well, I must really suck at this writing thing. If you have noticed, bless you for actually reading what I write. Anyhow, you know about SP, my significant other. I've told you that he has some serious health issues, and those health issues are getting worse. So I figure it's time to let you all in on it.
My darling SP, the man who puts a smile on my face without saying a word, the funniest, sweetest, most intelligent, caring man I've ever been with, who adores me completely and has my utter and absolute devotion - my darling SP has pancreatic cancer.
He's not much older than I am, so for someone of his age to have this disease is shocking, mystifying. Cancer hits all ages, but not like this. Pancreatic cancer is for old people. People who have lived their lives already. People who have had years and years with their significant others, a lifetime of memories in the bank. Not for SP. Not for us.
Right now he's on the east coast, and I'm on the west coast. The plan was that he would move here when I move to Spokompton, and we would live out the rest of our days in happiness. That was the plan. Then things took a turn for the worse. Now the plan is, get through the end of the day without getting a phone call about an unplanned hospital trip. Remember to eat, Kat. Keep your phone tied to your hand. Go to the gym because you have to stay strong. At any given moment, know your available credit and the value of the jewelry you haven't pawned yet, in case you need to buy a plane ticket for the next day.
Well-meaning friends and acquaintances -all female - pepper me with questions daily. "How's SP? What are you going to do? Does this mean you aren't moving? Does this mean you are moving at a different date? What are you going to do for a job? Are you still buying a house? How are you ever going to pay your bills or your rent? Will you still get married? Are you going back east?" The only way I keep my sanity is to put myself someplace else mentally and say, "I don't know." Because I don't. I have no idea, 7 weeks from now, where I will be living, how I will pay my bills, who I will be living with, or where SP will be. I don't know. I don't know. And right now, I don't care. I have to trust that SP will take care of me, just as we had planned for our life together, and leave it at that. I assume that if my entire universe caves in, my family will not let me or my son be thrown out into the street or get my car repossessed. (Hint hint, family). Outside of that, I don't plan past the end of the day anymore.
Thank God for my 1 male friend, who is probably my closest friend, after SP. Say what you want about men, but I tell you what, a man knows how to handle a panicking woman much better than the stereotypes indicate. Here's a snippet of a recent conversation (all done via text, by the way, because we are both so hip):
Kat: I think I'm losing it. SP is going to die and I'm so far away.
Friend: He's not going to die.
Kat: Yes he is.
Kat: I'm losing it.
Friend: You are okay. It will all be okay, you will see.
Friend: Climbing stairs at lunch.
Kat: Good thing I'm not there, I'd wipe the floor with you all the way up.
Friend: Bring it.
See what I mean? I went from borderline hysteria to firefighter posturing talk in about 3 minutes. I don't want to knock my other closest friends for a minute - Kelly, Laura, Cris, Kecia - you guys have been invaluable, and continue to be on a daily basis - but Alex, you are saving my sanity, and probably my health. He doesn't ask a plethora of questions. He just keeps it real, the way only a guy friend can. Thank you, Alex. SP will want to thank you too, someday, and I pray it will be soon and in person.
Someday I hope SP can meet my circle of friends, those who are shoring me up right now. I hope we can all hang out and listen to some of his insane stories. I hope that you all can laugh until you feel like your intestines are going to spill out, like I do, once SP gets on a roll. I really do.
Until that day, please make some allowances for your Kat. I'm still on program, still on task - but my SP is my life and my soul, and my life and soul desperately need my undivided attention. If you are fortunate enough to have the person you love next to you tonight, give them the most tender kiss you can and count your blessings.