So, my CERT days are done, the fire department open houses are mostly done for the season…you know what this means.
Back to exam prep. Back to Fire Math 101. Sigh.
I think I’ll focus on fitness instead. I could happily write about how I’m blowing off weight training for at least the next two weeks. In fact, let’s start now.
HOW TO PRETEND LIKE YOU ARE STARTING A NEW FITNESS REGIMEN
WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING
– by KAT
1. Decide you want to start toning up your body. Pick your personal reason. Sleep on it for a few days to make sure it’s a really good reason.
2. Write down your reason in your journal.
3. Realize that, for such a momentous event, you need a new “turning over a new leaf and developing my personal power” journal. Go to Barnes & Noble to pick out a new journal.
4. Come home with a 50 Shades knockoff book, a bookmark with a dachshund on it, and a 2010 page-a-day calendar from the 90% off rack. Realize you forgot to buy your journal.
5. Four days later, go back to Barnes & Noble and pick out a journal.
6. Write “personal reason” in your new journal. Congratulate yourself over a glass of wine.
7. Have more wine.
8. Start researching various strength training techniques on the internet. There are many, many theories. You must research them all, especially the ones with photos of shirtless gym guys. This will take a while.
9. Determine your personal strength training strategy. Write it down in your journal. Go to Amazon.com and order at least 19 books which describe your personal training strategy.
10. Wait 3 to 5 business days for your Amazon delivery to arrive. Use that time wisely by getting your brows waxed and eating an entire loaf of pumpkin date bread.
11. Unpack your books, look them over, and write up a list of exercises to try in your journal. Sleep over the list for a few days to make sure you are really, really comfortable with it.
12. Go to the mall and buy some new workout gear. Pack your gym bag and set your alarm for 5 a.m.
13. Spend at least a week hitting the snooze 6 times every morning. Justify this by acknowledging that it is dangerous to make radical changes to one's sleep cycles without prepping your mind first.
14. Around day 10, get up and go to the gym. Realize you forgot your journal with your exercise list. Decide to wing it. Position yourself in front of a random piece of equipment, which happens to closely resemble something you read about in the book you picked up in point #4, and exhale.
15. Start your first set of 10 reps. On rep 3, pull an indeterminate muscle in a portion of your leg that you never knew existed. Spend the next 4 weeks limping.
Congratulations. You are now on the path to an exciting new lifestyle of physical fitness.